'The Grim Side of Gardening'
Rhyme, rant & song-ish shows for gardening clubs! 

Sample poems from my collection

Expert Gardener at the Fence

"Trying to grow stuff in that clay?
Well, good luck! is all I'll say!"

Organised Gardener at the Fence

"Trimming the hedge with those old shears?
Take you donkey's years!

I use me trimmer - couple of flicks:
all done in two ticks!"

Nothing Stranger

There's nothing stranger
than my hydrangea
these six months and more.

Its gorgeous pink
has gone on the blink,
and the sticks are
a bit of a bore.

No, there's nothing stranger
than my hydrangea
these six months and more.

Why can't it be
all flowery -
like the blinking great thing
next door?

Message to the Aphids

Buzz off, aphids!

Do as you're told!
Let me get
some cuttings sold!

Why not set up

home elsewhere?
Next door's bloom
has room to spare.

Our Allotment

We don't get a lot on our allotment -
except for a lot of fat slugs.
They eat such a lot, their brains must rot - 

a lot of fat slugs on drugs!

No, we don't get a lot on our allotment -
it all goes into the slugs,
and whatever they miss
makes a dainty dish
for all the other beasts and bugs.

Flaming Geranium!

A million geranium -
every one the samium!

They wax but never wanium,
driving me insanium!

Digging for Potatoes

Digging for potatoes one afternoon...
still digging in the light of the moon.

Crack of dawn, search resumed.
That's when it dawned: been consumed.

Cauli & Slug

Big, round cauli:
wash and clean with pride!

Big, brown... golly!
How long's that been inside?

End of Year Evaluation  (not necessarily this one) 

January: stark stagnation.
February: no variation.
March: slug gang infiltration.
April: nettle infestation.
May: hot sun - need irrigation!
June: urgent deforestation!
July: rain - inundation.
August: mud - exasperation!
September: harvest desperation!
October: leaves cause drain blockation.
November: bleak dilapidation - rotting, reeking vegetation.
December: time off - celebration! Send the garden to da -
but you can do the pronunciation!

The Panel's Advice

Your soil's too heavy,

your soil's too fine,
too stony,
too loamy,
too full of lime.

You've got too much shade
You've got too much sun.
Find a cool glade and start at square one.

Or sell up! Move house!
Find a better clime,


Still in doubt?

Well, how about
buying your crops full-grown from the shops?
That'd save some time!

Through the Ripples

Looking through the lily pond,
through light and shade and tone...

looking deep, past flower and frond -
looking for my phone.

Whatever the hassles of gardening, it beats the gym any day as a pleasurable way to keep fit - just about.

Gymnasium Nauseum
Gymnasiums look crazyums
but stop us being lazyums,
unless the sight gives such a fright,
it turns us other waysiums.


Attention publishers! The collection has been accepted by literary agent Futerman Rose Associates, London, with a view to publication. When a publisher is found, a well-known cartoonist has offered to illustrate the book. Any interested publishers please contact either me, @ katewilliams.poetry@gmail.com, or my agent, via website: http://www.futermanrose.co.uk/ 

For a more positive approach to gardening, why not browse
The Cottage Garden Society ?

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